To say how I feel I don't know
by Raphaella Trevane
Summary: This is a very crazy story. If you want to read it go ahead but I'm warning you it's weird. It's not my best work but I just wrote to get it out of my mind. This story is meant to stay and not meant to be read. And I had to pick the title at random.


This whole short story fanfic is Namine's pov. This story is really complicated and this is just a little part taken from that. I'm not so sure how to begin the story even though I have the guidelines for it and I know sort of how to end this. And I'm not going to tell you who Dragoon is. You can probably guess that on your own or probably not. I'll give you a hint. There's less than one page of stories with this coupling. Namine and someone else. And people tend to describe as how he acts in the game but really in this story he doesn't act like that. He acts the exact opposite. He's very emo but he doesn't cut himself on purpose. Maybe on accident that's the most.

Disclamer: I don't own kh. If I did then I would change the story line of the video game. I own Ari though. She's a made up character.

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I layed on the cold hard ground thinking about everything that happened so far. I was in The Castle That Never Was in the place where it happened. The death of Kagura. I never wanted it to happened. I heard her last words. Instead of saying how she felt for Dragoon, she said that she was sorry and she wanted to be forgiven. Those words lingered in mt mind. 

It's not your fault, Ari. You wanted to know how it felt and it's not wrong to be curious about it. Even though you're a synthetic version of Larxene's Other Arlene, it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Even synthetic versions can love, it's possible.

_**Flashback**_

_"You know you like him, Ari." I said._

_"Synthetic versions don't like Nobodies." Ari said._

_"Love's possible for anyone."_

_"Not for synthetic versions. Besides, I can tell he doesn't like me. I mean, he just grabbed me out of nowhere when I was looking at something so he could run away from the members. He must of commited something that the other members got mad him at or something like that. He took me so the other members would back away from me. I get that kinda treatment from everyone everyday."_

_"I can tell he's not afraid of anything."_

_"I know he's not."_

_"Well, give him a chance."_

_"The chance was given and it was ruined, okay? No more chances."_

_"You're being too hard on him. He acts like that to me considering that he loves to torture me so much."_

_"What kind of torture exactly?"_

_"It depends on his mood."_

_"I don't want to get into a huge arguement about this so I'll give in. I'll give him another chance."_

_"I wasn't exactly expecting an answer that fast but okay I can live with it. That's great, Ari. Maybe you can become friends."_

_"I don't know about that."_

_**End of Flashback**_

I couldn't forget that day. That was the last time I had a real conversation with her. After that, she had to do something but I wasn't so sure what it was. And when she died I received everything. Her hate, her emotion, and I got my heart back. But I also had her feelings. Picking between two guys was the main problem. Roxas or Dragoon. I don't know who to pick. But I know I don't want to leave Dragoon all alone again. And Roxas, it doesn't really matter anyways. He only knows my slave name, Kisara. It's what I had to tell him otherwise he would probably remembered me. The other memories we shared, well, I still have the chain. I never thrown it away. Sometimes I look back on what we did but that's all I do with it. Now it feels like years since I've seen it. Dragoon doesn't know how much I need him because he doesn't know that I'm Ari too. At least just her feelings and heart and all that stuff. Nobody knows how I feel right now. I feel confused, miserable, and I'm not even the slightest bit happy and I'm always like this anyways. But this is different. I'm not sure what to do. And everytime I try to do something about it I feel so awkward and thinking if this is what I should do or if I shouldn't do this. I haven't so confused in my whole entire life. I just want to end it now, end everything, and end my life too. But it's not possible. Immortals like me can't die.

I felt the warm red tears run down my face. It was all too much to bear. Feelings for two guys. One who had his memories erased and another who simply wanted to be accepted. I can't go back to my old life with Roxas. I want to, but he doesn't need me like Dragoon needs someone. He can't remember anyways.

My life was over before it ever began. I thought I was happy with this one guy. I don't even want to say his name. He was everything. And it's not Roxas. It's someone else. It happened in my before life. He had sympathy for me even though his parents were divorced. That's pretty much all the pain he had to through. Not alot compared to me. I had to deal with parents that didn't want me, who hated me, who only pretended to love me. He was a jerk for getting me pregnant but that's pretty much it. And then he ran away, not because he wanted to, he was afraid. He was afraid of practically everything. And I thought that was strange at first but later on I realized it was really bad, being afraid like that. He was especially afraid of people. Phobia disorder, that's what I think it is. I kinda had that too. Both of us were so afraid of love because we only felt hate our whole entire lives. Well, that was in the past. I don't really remember him anymore.

I'm not sure what to think anymore. Should I try go back to the past or should I just get on with my life? I can't turn back time though. It's impossible. No matter how much I want it I can't have it. Life is made to be like that. Life is made to hurt you, not to help you.

I drew my knees up and kept crying. I never had real tears, they come out as real blood. I always cried like that. That's why I try not to cry too much. But most of time, I can't help myself but to cry. That's partial the reason why my parents hated me. I wasn't normal, like most kids.

Blood dripped continuously onto my clothes but I didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing matter. Only my feelings mattered. Should I continue the love Ari laid down or should I just ignore it? My heart's telling me that I should continue the love but it's also saying don't continue it. Which one should I listen to? I don't know.

I wish life could be as easy as slitting your wrists and just dieing painfully. But it's not like that. After all the suicides I've committed, I always held on. I always stopped myself. I didn't know why. It's was stupid to hold on when all I wanted was to die and never be brought back to life. But I've realized the Dragoon life gave me wasn't intended for dieing. It was intended for living a better life. I didn't know what he meant by better back then but now I do. He didn't want me to die. He wanted me to stay alive because he actually does kind of care for me.

Deciding isn't easy but now I'll know who to pick. Dragoon's the one I'm picking. It wouldn't make sense to go back with Roxas when Dragoon's the one who needs the loving. I need his love too, it's all I'll ever need. And him too of course. I know how he feels for Ari. It's quite strong even though he doesn't show it much.

I wonder if he can feel Ari within me.

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yeah...some crazy story isn't it? I'm not so good when it comes to stories. I'm a poet not a writer but I do have these crazy ideas I can't get out of my mind and it's so hard to write them. This was originally was going to be a simple short story with the song when you're gone but it turned out to be like this. This story is so crazy I don't know why I wrote it so don't review please. I'm begging you don't. If you want to then go ahead I won't answer to you I'll read it that's all I'll do with it.

Why did I write this? I don't know why. I'm kinda crazy in a way when it comes to stories my poems are okay though. I think of these really weird stories but they're kinda intersting but they're so confusing.

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End file.
